This is literally the most bizarre film I have ever seen in my entire life. I may only be 22 years old, but what the hell, y’all? I have sat through Eyes Wide Shut, some made-for-tv version of Macbeth that takes place in Nazi Germany during World War II, and even Cabin Fever. I can describe exactly how those films made me feel, but I’m not even sure I can tell you about this one. The Lobster (2015) was directed by Yorgos Lanthimos, and stars Colin Farrell (David), Jessica Barden (Nosebleed Woman), and Rachel Weisz (Short Sighted Woman).

To provide a BRIEF summary (like honestly a synopsis of this movie could take hours), I will start by saying that this film takes place in the future in a dystopian society, referred to as The City. Being single in The City is illegal, so all single people are sent to The Hotel. Once at The Hotel, all single people are required to find a mate to marry within 45 days. If any person fails to find a partner to marry during their stay at The Hotel, they will then be sent to a surgeon that will turn them into the animal of their choice. If you want any further details than this, like what happens in the film in detail, just go watch it on Netflix and cry yourself to sleep like I did after watching it.

So straight up, this movie made me feel uncomfortable. Not only is it strange beyond belief to see John C. Reilly in a serious role, but they punish him often for not acting in accord with the expectations of The Hotel (one time by sticking his hand in a toaster). I really struggled with the idea that you have to pick what animal you would like to be turned into the day you check in to The Hotel. Like, what if I change my mind? What if I want to be a dog when I get there, but then realize that there’s some kind of random shark out there that I’ve never heard of and would like to be instead? But, whatever. Not my laws.

The film is super bland. I mean this in terms of the scenery, the personalities of the characters, and pretty much everything else. The weather is dreary and cloudy. The characters have no chemistry with one another. I don’t know if this is because the director had intended for this, but it does make the film extremely difficult to watch due to the lack of purposeful dialogue.

There are plot holes a plenty, especially in the beginning of the film when a random woman just shoots a donkey without explanation. I also didn’t understand the added value of the people that live in the woods and their stance on being in romantic relationships. All in all, I was constantly asking questions throughout the entire film because there are so many things that needed to be explained that were not.

I feel like they tried to add in some comic relief to the film, but it was so beyond not funny that it made me cringe. It was also so long, it made me want to cry because I thought it would never end. The cinematography was nothing to laugh at, but it was nothing special. All in all, I could take or leave this film.